Where do I begin? The Lord has been doing so much in my life and I feel so humbled that I don't know what to say! Sometimes the works of God are so unexplainable.
I will try my best to share what He has been doing in my heart of late.
First off, I want to give Christ the glory, honor, and praise for anything I write below, because apart from Him, I can do NOTHING.
I can't tell you when it started. These feelings of something not right in my heart. Mostly towards my brother, John. Not so much now, but throughout the years we have had it out so many times towards each other. Most of the reasons were so pathetic, I blush to admit them. And looking back, our petty arguments have been mainly started by...me.
Please don't misunderstand me. It's not like my brother and I yell at each other all the time or something. We both love the Lord and each other so much and would die for the other if necessary. No, I'm mainly talking about the stuff that would start the arguments. Like giving my "2 cents" when it wasn't asked for. Or when I've talked to him like his words had no weight. When I would treat him like my silly little brother instead of the young man that he is now and is becoming. Instead of pointing out all the good things he did on a project, it would be the silly little mistakes instead. Talking over him when he was trying to explain himself. Oh, here's the biggest one, getting upset with him because HE COULDN'T READ MY MIND.
Yes, this young woman who hates strife and contention to the point of tears and heartache, has had attitudes that should never be present in a woman who calls herself a daughter of the Most High God, and has used words like fiery darts towards her beloved brother. Why? Just so I can be right. Or just so I don't have to carry the burden of being hurt again. In other words, using my backbiting words to try to stop anything that I thought would make me feel bad inside. I obviously was not realizing how much of a bigger burden I was packing up for myself and for my poor brother than the one I thought I was somehow preventing.
"Oh silly Megan. How could you be so blind and oblivious?" ...Well, I'll tell you. The hard part about deceit, is that it's so deceitful! And when you form a habit, it's hard to break. Especially when it comes little by little by little.
That's his way you know. The devil, I mean. He's out to "steal, kill, and destroy" at all costs and with no exception of persons. Boy do I hate him. He makes me livid (as my mother likes to say).
Do I take all the responsibility for every argument that John and I have gotten into? The answer is yes. "WHAT?! Is John perfect or something????" Hahaha...ummm...no (sorry John! :P ).
Someday, I will give answer to God for my sin. And on that day I will have no choice but to only give account for my part. My 100%. So, my thought is, why not start now? Why not start taking 100% of my part of our relationship? I'm not responsible for John's reactions to things or how he chooses to treat me at times. That is between him and God. But I am responsible for my reactions and how I treat him.
I am so thankful for the Lord's ever-present hand of guidance on my life. He isn't just opening my eyes to my sin. He is also giving me the grace to lay down my pride in order to change. He knows that I don't want other people to suffer from my faults. I specifically think of my future husband and children and I rejoice that through Christ, they won't have to deal with this in me like my family has over the years. It hasn't been perfected yet and may never be, but at least John and those I will be in relationship with in the future, will hopefully never have to question if I am seeking God for help and fighting the enemy about it or not.
I am learning to surrender daily. It's not always easy, but I believe the less there is of me, and the more there is of Him, the better woman I will be for it. Holy Spirit, please, have Your way.